Previously published in Amjambo Africa before its publication in the full length collection with Game Over Books.
By Maya Williams
“So Judas threw the silver coins into the temple and left. Then he went out and hanged himself.” Matthew 27: 3-5 NET
My grandmother thought
women with mental illnesses in our family
were like Judas.
Judas.
Cowardly.
Betrayer of the disciples; Betrayer of Jesus.
Hanged himself not for being sorry,
but to escape blame.
Jesus died for our sins while Judas died by his.
Despite clear scripture of Judas’ death
there are blurred lines in between where
his death is viewed as a sin, like his duplicity.
He killed Jesus
and himself.
Thou shalt not kill, right?
My cousin has bipolar disorder.
After her attempt,
my grandmother thought she was
Cowardly.
Betrayer of the family.
Betrayer of my grandmother.
Took
pills
as a way out.
I have obsessive compulsive disorder.
I mention my attempt,
my grandmother says I’m not like my cousin.
A problem child.
Always going through something;
craving her big escape.
I have it together.
Always keeping busy;
I stay away from making mistakes.
I ask,
Are you
sure?
My grandmother
doesn’t
understand.
She thought things were going well for me.
Why would I want to hurt
her by hurting myself like that?
We didn’t think of our attempts
as a way to escape our grandmother
or our family.
We thought of our attempts
as a way for our family
to escape us.
We thought it was the most selfless gift we could give.
Jesus taught us selflessness.
Not Judas.
Maya Williams (ey/they/she) is a religious Black multiracial nonbinary person who is currently the poet laureate of Portland, Maine. Ey has published in venues such as The Portland Press Herald, Indianapolis Review, FreezeRay, and more. You can follow more of eir work at mayawilliamspoet.com
Join Maya and ChIME on Monday June 12 for an evening of conversation and poetry. More information and registration here.
